Position: Foreign Affairs Junkie
About John: From the Middle East, to Europe, to South America, to Africa, to... You get it. John's got the low down on all things involved in foreign affairs. From democracy, to autocracy, to plutocracy, John can bring it down to earth. Unfortunately, America, much like everything else, doesn't care much about the world, therefore, don't care much for him.
Position: Feminist Junkie
About Cara: Marching on the front line in the 20's for women's suffrage, to the women's liberation movement in the 60's, straight up to the war on birth control, Cara's been there, seen it, done it. Of course, you may say that's physically impossible. Then again, you may not. Either way, it happened, and Cara can prove it. A warrior for women everywhere, don't let her tiny stature fool you; she's got claws. Like a cat. That wasn't sexist.
Position: Philosophical/Social Junkie
About Bryant: Is there a reason we feel this way? Does man's nature truly direct his fate, thus leading to the inexplicable results we see in contemporary society? We have no clue. That's why we hired this guy. He's got the right questions and the right theories for every moral, ethical and spiritual question. Gurus everywhere consult Mr. Clark for his advice. Americans on the other hand would have, but were too busy shopping.
Position: Politics Junkie
About Tyrone: Tyrone's insight into contemporary politics puts him on par with the likes of Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, and Bill O' Reilly. That is, if they were a bit less douchey. His real talk has got the bite needed to crush the opposing ideology. Tyrone's got the top political leader's and their party's talking points on hand, spitting out jargon like it was bad turtle soup. Speaking of bad turtle, has anybody seen Mitch McConnell?
Position: Conspiracy/Satirical Junkie
About Kenny: This man of mystery conceals his identity to ward off international intelligence organizations who seek to silence his wealth of insider information. We don't even know this guy. We just receive articles written with cut outs from magazines and we publish it with the pen name "Kenny Brown". There just has to be more to this...
No comments:
Post a Comment